hiddenbeloved

I have died and am now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:3

You (Part 1)

This poem was written when I was, once again, in the thick of a depression. Depression is a funny thing because sometimes you don’t even know you are depressed until you are on the other side.

 

So, God, it’s just You. And me. Here on this page. Let’s see where we end up. But it will always be you.

From as far back as I can remember there is no thought I have ever had that was not drenched in awareness of you.

Listening to my grandfather pray to our “Heavenly Father”.

AA meetings ending with the “Our Father”.

From the earliest me, there was You.

Thoughts upon my bed at night of what it would be like without light

The thought of me alone in the dark apart from You

Was terrifying.

And I would be lying if I didn’t admit, I still think about that.

Of me without You.

But that isn’t true.

You were there when my mother was smoking and drinking.

Alcohol and nicotine forming my being.

Cannabis and opiates and all of it did only what You let it.

Gave me a brain that struggles with the sacred and profane.

And I am alone in the dark,

But You.

Have always been there. Setting me apart.

Even when as a child I didn’t see all that was done to me.

But I feel it.

Engrained in my DNA and forming the thoughts that haunt me by day

and by night and I fight because I remember You.

As a child, clinging to the hope that there is a God. Not fully understanding what that meant but knowing that I knew Him. You.

Remember those water hose conversations?

The times I would think so loud that I am sure you could hear me?

The times that I was alone doing things no child should be?

You were there. You could see.

There is no me apart from You.

For in you I live and I move and I have my being so what does that mean?

Are you hurt and alone and sharing that pain that sears in my brain when I want to explode?

Did you feel all the times I was forced to endure the ripping of innocence as I played the whore?

What happened to me in those times I can’t see?

Was my body abused, tormented and used for purposes that no one should willingly choose?

Because that’s what I feel as happened to me.

And I want to be free.

And alone I can’t do it.

But You.

No more the benevolent Uncle. No more Daddy Long Legs.

No more God in the shadows.

In the bush.

I want to see You.

You.

You who sees and knows and hears and comprehends my hopes and fears

I want to see You, behold You and hold You.

Know You like Thomas and stop all my doubting because without You there’s no me.

All these words that I write in my brain, they cause pain and

I remember a time where I did.

I KNEW You.

Recognized your presence and rejoiced in the truth of You.

Even though at the time I believed You weren’t there. I was scared.

CD’s on repeat. Skipping. And I hate it.

I want a new song. A new dance. A new chance to know You.

So I look back at my life because hindsight’s 20/20

And I see You

I know You were there and You knew all my pain

You protected me from my enemy when, in vain, he tried to consume me

You knew me

And I was beginning to know you.

Crying out on my bed to know the Godhead.

Out of fear of hellfire.

And, for the most part, I did,

Begin to know you.

And know the rules that would keep me from severing my entrance to Heaven

But You?

I still didn’t know but I knew You were there

The irony of those words heavy in the air.

Selah.

 

Advertisements
1 Comment »

Psalm 119:50 (In My Own Words)

Psalm 119:50
(In My Own Words)

Your words are all I want to hear.

Anything else is a lie to ensnare
My heart from being true to the One
Whose life, if it’s taken from me,
I am done.

My desires, His delight
His commands, always right
If I left, nothing’s left
Nothing more to expect

The bread that I eat,
Honeycombs, not as sweet.                                                                             
As the truth from my Lord
From His mouth, my life’s poured

Every star that exists came
From the sigh of His lips
And the heartbeat inside me
Is because He designed me.

Called and chosen by Him
To be seperate from sin.
And because He has spoken
All my chains have been broken.

Many voices cry out                                                                                            to our ears, they all shout
But the voice that is small
Is the greatest of all.

Your words bring me life
Your words are my life
Your words are all I want to hear.

Leave a comment »

Cleveland

Two days ago I fasted and prayed.

I prayed for my faith to increase.

I prayed for my city, Cleveland.

I believe the LORD showed me some things.

While praying I looked up the meaning of Cleveland and, while it does come from the name of president and city founder, Grover Cleaveland, I was intrigued to discover it means “hilly land”.

In addition to the meaning of our city’s name, I discovered we have a flag.

Image result

I found the choice of words used to describe our city are progress and prosperity.

I believe we are in a time of progression. Pressing forward in prayer and praise and pursuing the purpose of our Creator. The end of that being prosperity.

There is a time coming when this hilly land by the great river will bear fruit that will be for the healing of the nations. Even now the trees are budding.

So, take care dear branches, be careful to abide and allow the Vinedresser to do as He must that a great harvest may take place and we will see His glory in this land and across the world.

I pray that this word blesses you and I look forward to what you all may share.

God be praised!

In Christ,

Cristina

Also, this song:

 

 

Leave a comment »

Missed

I have missed.

I have missed being in the presence of my God. Therefore I have missed a lot of other things as well.

I have missed the mark when it comes to parenting and wifing (yes, it’s a word). I have missed out on being a good daughter, sister and friend. I have missed all of these things because I wandered. I missed the road signs and got lost along my way.

I have missed writing words that express the thoughts that wander and, sometimes, wage war in my head.

I know I am not alone in this. We all miss. Every day. We miss things that we shouldn’t and mistakes happen and injuries are sustained and we hit stumbling blocks. This is life.

Life is also hitting the mark. We can look at missing as learning how to hit correctly. So, that is what I am doing. I am taking a look at all the ways I’ve missed and allowing them to show me how to better position myself.

Right now, that position is forward facing. Moving onward to regain some of the things I have missed along the way.

I hope you’ll join me. If not, you’ll be missed.

Thanks for reading,

Cristina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment »

Why Did God Make Me This Way?

J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain, Skeptical Christian

bluerbluebluesky asked a question:

Hey JS it’s been a while, hope you’re well and congrats on your marriage (and your new books). Please bear with me, it’s weird writing in being removed from Christianity, but you really do seem like a genuine and real guy and I had really appreciated your words before. How do you stay confident in a good God when He has “fearfully and wonderfully” made you with depression? I can’t understand why He’d watch His kids live with chronic unbalanced neurochemicals that make them suicidal. Thanks JS

Hey dear friend, I appreciate your very kind words and I’m thankful for your honest challenging question.

I think there are really two ways to look at this. One is that God created everything in history, including death and disease and disasters, as a big ball of yarn that will one day be un-done by His glory. The other…

View original post 615 more words

Leave a comment »

A New Home

Three years ago God moved us from Ohio to our current home in South Carolina. I did not expect culture shock living in the same country. It is amazing how different things can be moving 600 miles in one direction.

Over 2000 years ago there was a shift in dwellings that changed the course of history. I can’t imagine the shock He experienced when he moved from His father’s side to his new home, with us.

I may never fully understand the implications of that night but I am convinced that wherever I am, wherever I may go, my home is not in Ohio but in His love.

This is a poem I wrote the first year we lived here. Every time I read it I am in awe of Him. I hope it blesses you.

O COME LET’S WORSHIP AND ADORE,
HIM WHO GAVE UP ETERNAL FORM,
THAT PUT ON SIN TO ENTER IN AND
SUFFERED FOR OUR TRANSFORMATION
FROM EARTHEN TENTS TO HEAVENLY STATIONS
TO COMPLETELY RECONCILE CREATION
MOREOVER, RESTORE THE VERY FIRST FOUNDATIONS.
THIS GOD SO BIG NO WORDS ARE FOUND
TO DESCRIBE THE MOMENT HE CAME DOWN,
A BABE SO SMALL AND WONDROUS OF ALL,
HE ENTHRONED HIMSELF IN CATTLE STALL
IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN THE DAY
THE CREATOR BECAME THE CREATED, THE WAY
HE GAVE UP HIS WEALTH AND TOOK ON OUR FLESH
LOWERED HIMSELF JUST TO CALL US ALL BLESSED
HIS ARRIVAL WAS LOWLY
HIS PURPOSE WAS HOLY
AND AS MARY ADMIRED THE CHILD SHE WAS HOLDING
SHE WRAPPED OUR SALVATION IN THE FOLDS OF HER CLOTHING
WHAT CHILD IS THIS, THAT LAID TO REST ON HIS MOTHERS BREAST IS FAST ASLEEP
WHO FOR LOVE WAS SENT
AND ONE DAY WOULD BE SPENT
AS A RANSOM FOR THOSE WHO REPENT AND BELIEVE
TO GIVE PEACE TO EACH ONE THAT WOULD TRUST IN HIS NAME
AND A NAME TO THE FATHERLESS, LOST AND ASHAMED
FOR THIS REASON AS SHEPHERDS KEPT WATCH OF THEIR LAMBS
THE ANGELS APPEARED AND PROCLAIMED THAT “I AM”
TABERNACLES WITH MEN AND WOULD SAVE US FROM HELL
A GLORIOUS ARRANGEMENT, OUR IMMANUEL

Immanuel – Copyright Cristina Juhasz 2011

 

 

Leave a comment »

My Life In Words

***DISCLAIMER*** This post was started yesterday. Hence the 7 day thing. 😀

One Week

Just seven days

Til I slip on the pants

and step on the scale. Will it show

results?

 

Christmas

Symbolic day

Tiny, crying babe

Emmanuel, God with us

Noel

 

change

constant, painful

provoking, refining, revealing

never easy, always necessary

progress

 

These three poems represent my life right now.

In seven days, I will step on my scale then put on my goal outfit. I have already tried the pants on a couple of times with noticeable results both times. This encourages me. I know I am on the right path. Eat clean. Move more. Live well.

Also, on that day, we will celebrate faith, family and fellowship. We will reflect on the incarnation of our God. His humility revealed in the cry of a babe. Laying down his life for his friends. His perfect gift symbolized in the giving and receiving of gifts among ourselves.

Change. It has happened, is happening and will continue to happen. My body is changing. The seasons are changing. Life will be changing. These changes are painful but are producing some pretty wonderful things. I am excited.

Today will be my last blog until after Christmas. I am taking a sabbatical from all non-household related internet activities. I look forward to sharing with you all when I return.

By the way, for those of you keeping track, I am up to 85 crunches, 34 leg raises and an 80 second plank. It is really not as awful as it sounds. I have moved to an exercise ball to do my crunches as the hardwood floor was hurting my back. I definitely feel it more with the ball. Woohoo!

Until next time, keep moving forward and Merry Christmas!!!

-Cristina

 

 

Leave a comment »

Day 9

Nine days ago I made a choice. I chose to start moving again. To honor my Creator by listening to my body. Eat enough. Move enough. Live more!

Seven days ago E and I started the Ab Challenge. Today I did 20 leg raises (not hating them as much now), 50 crunches (not sure my form is right) and a 45 second plank. Not in that order.

It is such a great feeling to know that as I do these things I can trust God and His design to keep my body running smoothly. It is not a guarantee that I will never encounter a health problem but it certainly increases the likelihood that I will not.

In thirteen days I will step on the scale and I will try on my goal outfit. If, for the next 13 days, I keep doing what I am doing now, I know I will see results.

I don’t know how many days I have left in my life but I do know that every day I will choose to keep moving forward.

Yours in motion,

Cristina

Leave a comment »

The Hard Things

like legos on the floor

sharp reminders of messes

these are the hard things

 

 

Our lives are full of messes. Some people wallow in those messes, get bogged down and just quit. I admit that I am tempted to do that. But I know what happens when you quit. You die. I am not ready to die.

My life has been full of hard things. There are many hard things in my life still. In the future? More hard things. You know what, though? That is life!

As long as I am in this world there are going to be hard things. That is why I am thankful that I belong to the One who has overcome this world. He gives me life and because He does, I can overcome as well.

It certainly won’t be easy. That is never promised. I know, however, it will be worth it.

Today, do the hard thing. Just one hard thing. Keep moving forward. Never give up. And remember, if you are in pain, you are still alive. If you are still alive, there is always hope!

 

 

Leave a comment »

9 Things

Today is December 9th. For this reason, I offer you the following:

1) Today, dear daughter and I, henceforth known as E, completed day 5 of our Ab challenge. I stand by my previous claim that leg raises are evil. Or something to that effect.

2) We also completed a lower body workout for bad knees. It contained several barre movements that were killer. The workout only requires light weights and a sturdy chair.

3) I do not have said chair. Couches and CD stands do NOT a sturdy chair make.

4) I am sore. This makes me happy.

5) I am not sure if I should continue with the Ab Challenge. I am not giving my muscles time to rest. Any trainers out there, I would LOVE input.

6) The Challenge must be working on some level because I tried on my goal pants. I could zip them today! 😀

7) We are not going home for Christmas this year. I am disappointed but excited to have a really nice time here at home. We are getting a live tree! This should be exciting with a young, playful cat.

8) Speaking of cats, I need to train mine to scoop the litter box. And aim properly.

9) Seared tuna and Asian veggie quinoa stir-fry with sticky sauce (that is what I am calling it) is delicious!

This was my day. How was yours?

 

Leave a comment »